I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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