Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
