I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
