a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
