everyone is single if you try hard enough
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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