I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
