not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
