what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
