I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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