My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize