what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
