I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
