I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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