I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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