I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
