just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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