Your mouth is God's brothel.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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