and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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