Buhtt sex?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
