I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?