dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
We need a shit load of segways right now
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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