I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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