I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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