You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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