Just fell off a train. Bad.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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