Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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