and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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