Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My dick has a subreddit
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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