Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
