Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
