she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
