There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
