I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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