I am spending my child support on dildos
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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