I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
