He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
