If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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