i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
