She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
