I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
