I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
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Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
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Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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