Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Help me help you realize you are a moron
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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