Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
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