I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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