He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
