Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
