You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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