I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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