Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
