it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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