Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
