you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
