I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
