I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Let's get the cat blown out
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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